Decision-making is a skill children can learn

In this piece I argue children can and should be taught how to recognize choices they make are decisions and that making decisions is a skill no different from sports or music or foreign languages. With training and practice decision–making skills can be improved dramatically and create life-long benefits. Training should begin as early as grammar school and continue through high school, evolving always to be age-appropriate, but in a formalized and structured program involving both teachers and parents. Further, making decisions sometimes leads to successful outcomes and other times leads to failures.  Truth be told, we can learn a great deal from our successes, but we probably learn even more from our failures. Children need to learn it is OK to fail. I’m thinking about writing a separate blog piece addressing the “it’s OK to fail, kids” issue. 

On my career journey to becoming a senior executive I learned to make choices/decisions the old-fashioned way—by the seat of my pants.  It worked out fine, in good part because I lived in a less complex world and especially one in which the pressures of time were not nearly as intense as they are today.  In 2017 it is far easier for harried parents to make decisions for their children rather than take the time to help them recognize opportunities for making decision, much less creating opportunities for their children to make decisions.  But if the basketball coach shoots free throws for one of his players, will the player’s skill improve as a result?  Of course not.  The player needs to practice and practice and practice some more.  So to with making choices, making decisions.

A formalized, structured program to teach children how to make good decisions might begin in grammar school, possibly even in pre-school programs. For example, parents and children can discuss “healthy food choices”, or take kids shopping for clothing or toys and let the children make decisions so long as they are not dangerous (pellet gun) or offensive to others (foul or disparaging words on a shirt).  In that fashion, they will learn their choices are considered good or bad, cool or radical, not from authority figures but from their peers.  My guess is the opinions of peers will have more of a “learning” impact than opinions from parents. 

Over time the choices could become more complicated (homework versus sports versus friends) and the learning opportunity might involve the child having to explain the rationale for their decision (but not defend it).  Also, parents might occasionally suggest a review of one of the more significant decisions made previously. The purpose would be to assess its impact, discuss whether a more beneficial decision could have been made, and if so, what other information might have been helpful to have had at the time the original decision was made. Consideration could also be given to the advantages, if any, of revising or revoking the original decision.

A child’s allowance could be a great teaching tool.  Negotiating a decision on the dollar amount of the allowance will involve a decision.  What does the child need to do to earn it? (An outright gift of allowance money is a missed opportunity and the money has less meaning if unearned than if earned.) The child can determine when to spend it and on what (within negotiated parameters), whether to save it in order to make a more expensive purchase later, and where to put the money so he or she does not lose it.  All good practice in making choices.

The program I envision also would include a section on not just making the easy decisions but also facing up to difficult decisions, which almost always are important decisions, and almost always tend to be deferred or avoided entirely.  Avoiding difficult decisions is a bad idea.  Generally it does not work, at least not for long.  The “something bad” that makes the decision so difficult most likely cannot be bottled up forever.  Eventually it will come back to haunt you, especially if put off until so close to a firm deadline that the suddenly too-short time left leads to inadequate information being evaluated and a poor decision being made. 

Not every decision a child makes will be a “good” decision, or at least not the best possible decision.  The keys are learning from those decisions how the child can make better ones in the future—and not making the decision for the child. Even if a parent disagrees with a decision or thinks it is not the best decision possible, if the choice is not dangerous or offensive to others, as I noted earlier, it would be wise to let the decision stand.  Learning to live with the consequences of choices will be one of the most effective and enduring benefits and learning opportunities to come out of any program developed along the lines I’ve outlined. I would urge school systems, PTA organizations, groups of moms or dads who get together regularly for coffee, or individual parents to think about these ideas.  Consider the impact such a program might have on future generations.

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