How Can I Be a Better Boss...Husband...Wife...Listener...Friend? (Living Up to One's Full Potential)

 

How Can I Be a Better Boss…Husband…Wife…Listener…Friend?

(Living Up to One’s Full Potential)

One of my favorite memories of a dear friend who died last year was the story he told about an experience he had in high school.  It was a Catholic school, Jesuit-run, as I recall. While my friend was sitting quietly at his desk waiting for class to begin, the priest came up behind him, a big book in hand.  Without warning the priest sent my friend sprawling onto the floor with a mighty, unprovoked blow to the side of his head. Whump! 

After a short blackout he woke to find the priest standing over him, saying “When you pull yourself together come see me in my office after class.” And so he did. Asking why the priest had hit him, the direct answer was “I was trying to knock some sense into your head. You are not living up to your potential.” I asked if the priest had been right. “Yes, he was, and it worked. He changed my life.”

In 2021 the priest’s approach would cost him his job and perhaps also jail time, but that’s a different story. The point of these random thoughts is to suggest on a micro level each of us owes it to ourselves to live up to our full potential, without being hit upside our heads. We need to examine our strengths and weaknesses objectively, without judging them. If we are unsure of a quality we should ask others questions like…”What do you think of my management skills…singing voice…parenting ability…accounting skills…landscape designs? Another productive set of questions is “How can I be a better…Boss…Husband…Wife…Listener…Friend?” I’d suggest you preface these types of questions with two simple requests.  First, you would like the respondent’s instantaneous response. Second, another response 24 hours after the first one. My guess is that the immediate response will be the most direct and helpful one of the two.

Identifying our strengths and weaknesses is not about what we like or dislike to do or to be, or how to act. Truth is, we might like doing things we are not really good at (golf comes to mind for me). Alternately, we might not like doing things even though our performance is excellent (like a friend of mine who is a wonderful manager with people and technology skills, yet detests going to work every morning). One last observation while I am still on the micro level. That is, living up to one’s potential can be viewed as situational, not solely as a fundamental element of one’s character or abilities. For example, following a board of directors meeting I was walking to the parking lot with a fellow director who seldom opened his mouth during board discussions. When I volunteered we would like to hear more of what he was thinking (stated another way, he could be a better board member if), his response was that he didn’t see where his thoughts would be unique or add to the conversation. But he did understand me when I pointed out even his concurrence on a position was important for everyone to hear, because we all respected his expertise and credibility.

From a macro perspective I think society has an obligation to protect and provide equal opportunities for everyone to live up to their full potential (legally permitted potential, that is—not the opportunity to be the best bank robber ever!). Equal opportunity, however, should not be confused with equal outcomes. For example, I think college admissions processes should not discriminate against applicants based upon their ethnicity, but by the same token I do not think colleges should be required to accept all applications (up to their capacity for total enrollments) on a first-come, first-accepted basis .

It takes time and effort to do a good job of assessing a person’s strengths, weaknesses and capacities. When to make such an effort is a tough question. On the one hand, spiritual retreats tend to provide outstanding opportunities for reflection and self-assessment at a personal level. On the other hand, management retreats might work too, but probably not as well as spiritual retreats, because management retreats tend to be group thinking in nature and focused on specific, pre-planned subjects. Restricted thinking is an enemy of constructive personal reflection.

I can think of at least two instances where failing to live up to a person’s full potential is almost pre-ordained. First, being born into great wealth, where spending money and philanthropy are major responsibilities. It would demand tremendous self-discipline for someone to live up to their own expectations rather than the expectations of others, in this situation. Second, having one or both parents who failed to achieve their own life’s goals but now want to experience their achievement vicariously by almost forcing you to pursue the goals on their behalf--giving them a second bite at the apple, so to speak.

Returning to the positive, we should check in with ourselves periodically, to see how we are progressing along the path toward reaching our full potential. Hopefully, we can figure things out for ourselves or ask others for their views—preferably close friends and family, who know us most intimately. Be careful in how you ask the questions because you do not want to commit to honoring every answer you receive. Leave wiggle room to be able to acknowledge the respondent’s willingness to help, to indicate you think their response was interesting, and to ignore it if you don’t find it useful.

Even if one chooses freely not to live up to his or her full potential (for some reason, simply does not want to do so), it is probably good for such a person to learn what their full potential might look like. Also, for better or worse, it would be wise to understand the reason(s) why one has chosen freely not to try living up to their full potential. After all, we can always change our minds later on. Having this knowledge already in our mind will help us jump-start the course correction.  

 

Mark J. Riedy, PhD